i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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