drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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