my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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