is your mom at the bar?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
