those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
