I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
