she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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