If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
