i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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