I met the friendliest cop last night
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
