He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
