someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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