our cab driver is having phone sex.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize