those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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