My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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