i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
