i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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