Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
