I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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