Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
