and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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