I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
