People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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