Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
