My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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