Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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