you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
