Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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