Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Randomize
