I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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