I can text with my tongue
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
