I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
