I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
