im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
