Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
