:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
