I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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