the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
