that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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