So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
