whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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