I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
