We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
