Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize