pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
