I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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