Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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