so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
