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my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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