Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
