guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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