my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
