i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
