he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
