I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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